The world is spinning fast around its axis. I am spinning faster around mine.
These last four weeks I have been keeping up a frantic pace. I drown myself in work. I drown myself in men. I work out doubles and triples in the hope one more will calm my mind. I seem incapable of relaxing, and I hardly sleep. I get mad for nothing. I bitch for nothing and I cry for nothing. And all the while, I know exactly why I feel like I do. I say his name out loud, I let it ring in the room, and I know I can’t call him and hear him say the same. That alone would be too much for me to bear. I miss him so much it physically hurts, and I can’t even call him and tell him. That phone call would end with me agreeing to give up my life and promising to live his. And I can’t do that. I can’t.
I have had sex with some 12-14 men since my breakup. Yeah, I’ve fucked twelve. I’ve given two more BJs. They’ve all been great. Hot guys. White guys, black guys, one Latino guy. Able lovers. Nice cocks. Smooth tongues. It’s been a fucking frenzy. They’ve all made me feel goddess-y. And still, when I fall asleep at night, if I fall asleep at night, I am alone, and it’s his touch I am feeling. I detect his smell in the air and my skin remembers the warmth of his skin. Those other guys have not decreased his presence. I remember exactly how he felt inside me. The exact pressure. The exact size. Just how he shivers the second before he comes. I can still come myself, from the memory alone. But I can’t go back to him. I can’t.
I sedate myself on work and sex and yoga, a psychotherapist close to me says. I respond I find it healthier than pills and alcohol and sugar, and she tells me not to be fresh. She adds I am in mourning and I need to face my pain. I don’t go to therapists and I don’t think you need to be one to realize that. But I cope. A woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do, right? What this woman has to do is make herself feel good. Whatever it takes. It takes hard work. It takes hard workouts. Fucking strangers helps, too. At least, it has always helped before. I've always been able to escape my thoughts in the arms of a man. On the yoga mat. In my work. These methods have always worked for me, and I need them to work now too. Everything, not to pick up that phone and tell him I’ll give up my whole life for him. I really can’t.
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LIR... do I have to hit you with that old school:
ReplyDelete"baby don't go"
Come on back to the play ground when you've cooled off. Fuck the haters.
PS... check your email.
ReplyDeleteI have religiously read DI for the last 2 years and although I don't say much I must admit I have been looking forward to reading your SD.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I loved it. It bothers me when people say it is too "chick lit." Hello?! You are a chick. You write what you think and women think romatically. There is nothing wrong with that. I write how I think, and after reading your blog I think we think alike.
I didn't have the time to read the diary at work, where I usually do my internet reading, so I printed it out and took it with me to school to read during class- All 22 printed pages.
The beginning was expected, you did not disappoint with the sexual aspect of an SD. I don't like how people (DI commenters) bash SDs without any sex and then when people do have sex, suddenly they are worthless and don't respect themselves, sluts, yadda yadda. I myself am a reformed slut. I see nothing wrong with being open and sexified. I prefer the company of friends that are open with their sex, emotional, mental lives vs. someone who doesn't even know that people kiss differently. Seriously, I once had a friend tell me she didn't realize that kissing styles are as individual as fingerprints. But enough babbling, back to your SD.
I have so many questions for you!! You mention that you wrote vaguely concerning places and cities and names and jobs but I feed off details and I have so many questions!! What city did you meet in? What kind of work do you do? I imagine you must have a very successful career considering it sounds like you gave up the love of your life for work.
The way you describe your love for X leaves me breathless. If you were here I would shake you by the shoulders! It's hard for me to put into words, but I live for the kind of love you describe with X. And not just the hot sexy love. The kind that numbs your bones and consumes your mind with his name. Day 3 made me cry!! OMG I never expected to be so shaken by your description of watching him leave for the last time. I immediately texted my BF of 3+ years and told him how much I looked forward to seeing him after class. I don't know...I know I'm only 25 but if I found what you had I don't know if I would let it go. There just has to be a way to work things out. When I think of life, I think time is way too long. But if I have to spend the next 50 years of my life on this earth I want it to be with someone I love so intensely it hurts.
I know I should be commenting on the sex, since it was your SD, but I just can't forget about the love. I guess I just don't know what it feels like to love my life so much, loving the city, the people, your job, your yoga, your everything, and refuse to leave it for a guy. You're either the most amazing woman I've ever met or the craziest. Perhaps New York is the love of your life. You're a modern day Scarlett O'Hara.
H: Been back to the playground, won't be going anywhere. But really do not have much more to say on this week's diarist, and I think I've said enough on everything else for now. Back again next Monday. And you've got mail too.
ReplyDeleteTalacajante: Wow, you're a dream reader! Thank you so much for taking this so seriously! AND you've got plenty of interesting points I really want to discuss on!
On non-sexual friends: Yeah, I have some of them, too. Best GF in the world (38 years old, should know better) only recently asked me about penises along the "aren’t all more or less alike?" line. Hark. Hark. Hark. She's among my closest friends and the one knowing the most about the wilderness of my "secret" life. She doesn't judge me, but still says she does not understand me. Doesn't get why sex is so important, but accepts that I am "a more sexual being" than her. Fair enough, we can discuss emotional stuff, she can ask me sex advice of the "how to" variety, but we both often feel as if we're living on different planets when we discuss sex. So I discuss that more with other people, in more general terms. And those people I really don't feel comfortable enough to trust with my emotional issues, you know. Part of why I was so eager to discuss this with the NYMaggers, I guess.
On sexual freedom in general: Lots of people (on- and offline) don't understand that being sexually liberated means allowing yourself to say yes when you want to say yes, no when you want to say no. I think some of the "slut bashing" goes with the idea that a sexually liberated woman sleeps with everyone, no standards. That can be far, far, far from the truth, in my experience. And if more of us dared to speak up on enjoying it the quality way, things may change some day. On the quality way: I have to quote our dear SATC' Samantha on this. "Fuck me bad once, shame on you. Fuck me bad twice, shame on me." Perfectly put.
Continuing, to T:
ReplyDeleteOn the vaguely "cities and places and jobs" stuff, yeah, I am vague on purpose. I don't want all those gossip loving people knowing me just a little to start thinking "hold on a second, this sounds like ----". If you really really really want to know more of these details, send me a private e-mail. In general, I can say that I have the job I always dreamt of, and worked hard for. I never thought I’d be able to make it before I was 50, or something. When I was 30, I got it. Shortly after, I happened to meet my X.
It's a rare job, to me it's a dream job, to others it would be hell. I am great at it, but I am still improving. Learning and loving it. Even now I am at my happiest when working. Developing in my job gives me the deepest satisfaction there is. Feels so true to self, and I love it. It's very much a big city kind of career, and my X lives (and has to keep living) in small town suburbia. He is in another field entirely, but we still use some of the same sides of selves, in jobs. Creativity/intellect combo. I could probably have adjusted to another type of job, had I moved, but I wouldn't have had to give up just my job, but my whole career field, to do so. What I do is a great part of who I am, the way I see it. X thinks I overdo my work's importance. I don't think so, but we're both adult enough to realize this is a conflict without a "correct" answer, and we aren't mad at one another for it. Both understand the other, really. That he couldn't move has a different kind of reason altogether, a reason I accept and find 100 % the right choice. You can e-mail me on that if you want to know, but I won't post it here.
And, yeah, this matters to me too: Not agreeing on what kind of future we want for each of us and for the two of us together doesn't change that love we're feeling, you know? I really appreciate that you got that aspect, I wanted it to come through, in my text, and when reading reactions, I see that not all people get that, blinded by all the sex. For now, I have a harder time than I ever thought possible, missing him so much I feel insane and act insane, but really, this winter, when I was busy trying to make up my mind on what to do - in a way, that was worse. Cross continental moving is a big change and I would have had to give up a lot mattering much to me, should I have done it. If you ask me in 50 years, I may still say he was the love of my life. I know that. So yeah. Maybe I am losing out on the life-long love part of life. But I had him, and having him for a short time was better than not having had him at all, you know? I would have liked it to have lasted longer, but after I made my decision not to move, he felt he couldn't keep doing long distance, that I had broken his heart already and that keeping up the relationship despite of distance would only be breaking it over and over again on a daily basis. He still understands how I am thinking and we aren't mad at each other. Sounds like a bad movie, I know, but we both know that living with him would have made my life a totally different life than the one I want. And I don't think love is ENOUGH to make you happy. Should I really have to give up on all those other things I want to be able to live with the man I want? Do I love him the most, or do I love my life the way I live it the most? Toughest choice I have ever made. Don't wish for ANYONE in the world to have to go through the same.
I agree, love is not enough to make you happy, but Ghandi said it best-- Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
ReplyDeleteHow do I get your email address?
My e-mail: ladyinred.blogspot@gmail.com - it's linked to under my profile, too. Feel free to use it!
ReplyDelete