I <3 New York

I miss my city. I think about it a lot more than I think about sex.

I guess that says something.

Polluted

Time Out New York put out their annual sex poll this year. I won't link to it, it's not at all female sexuality-friendly. But here’s how I responded, plus what I would have responded, had Dan Savage made the poll and included answers for those of us who actually like sex. He may be gay, but he understands a woman way better than his competition.

This is the poll for straight women:

How old are you?
33

What neighborhood do you live in (at this point Time Out’s sex columnist Jamie Bufalino finds it necessary to define what a neighborhood is, “Chelsea, Williamsburg etc”):
Lower East Side

Question 1:
I wish every guy I date could...
a. do cunnilingus right
b. fuck with both our orgasms in mind
c. pick up the telephone on occasion
d. live life without porn

My comment: Where’s answer e. fuck me eagerly as often as I want to be fucked? In lack of it, I responded a. But truly, I can’t remember the last guy who didn’t know the art. Actually, I don’t remember a man who can’t do a, b and c with his hands tied and his eyes blindfolded. As for d, I don’t understand what that’s got to do with me. His choice how he spends his spare time, right?

Question 2:
I wish I could learn how to…
a. deep-throat
b. achieve orgasm
c. be more vocal in bed
d. take it up the ass

Well. Again, the answer is e. Seriously, what 33 year old New York woman does not know this stuff? (In lack of this alternative, I responded d. Because that is the least easy of four easy feats.)

Question 3:
The last thing I would ever do is…
a. swallow
b. give a one-night stand a rim job
c. fuck without protection
d. allow another woman in bed with a man

My comment: I’ve done all this stuff. But I did respond c., because that is what I usually do not do. One man only has gotten the honor. Yes, baby, I can hear your “damn” all the way to here, all the way from the West Coast. Don’t do b. very often either, though.

Question 4:
The genre of guys I find the hottest are:
a. hipsters
b. nerds
c. cocky banking types
d. artsy dudes

What??? Where are the athletes??? I want my gym addicts!!!! In lack of them, I responded “artsy guys”. Because well-built jazz musicians are kind of dude-y and kind of artsy, and I’ve been there... “Cocky” isn’t that dumb a word either, but what’s that got to do with finance, these days??? And why put “hipsters” and “nerds” into each their category, as they look the exact same??? Seriously. If this is a man's world, at least give me one that looks a man.

Question 5:
My main deal breaker is…
a. bad breath
b. a shithole of an apartment
c. a pencil dick
d. a guy who’s selfish in bed

Well, finally something one could respond to by using one of the responses suggested. The answer is c. But what on earth has a shitty apartment got to do with a SEX POLL?

Question 6:
I would have sex with another woman if…
a. my man asked me to
b. I was drunk enough
c. I found her irresistibly hot
d. she asked me (I’m easy!)

My comment: For the record, the “I’m easy” parenthesis belongs to Jamie the Buffalo, not to me. Here, the answer is a. rewritten: I had sex with another woman because my man asked me to. But I’d like to expand that: I had to know he was potent enough to take care of both women’s pleasure, and I had to know she really wanted to and knew what to do. What would it take for me to do it again? The answer is e. having at least one man there with us, knowing he was equally competent. And he should be so desirable I’d know in advance my juices would suffice for both of them.

Question 7:
As far as plastic surgery goes, I would be most interested in…
a. enlarging my tits
b. reducing my tits
c. liposuction
d. butt implants

The answer is e. None of the above, for Jesus F-ing Christ’s sake! My body looks great and there’s nothing wrong with my tits and my ass is nicely shaped as it is, and who the fuck needs liposuction when there is yoga???? And yet again, what the hell has this got to do with a sex poll? Oh, yeah, I know, shouldn’t have forgotten that for a second. Buffy the eternal buzz killer thinks the sexuality of a woman is all about being the object for a man’s eye, not the subject of her own desires. And of course, her abilities to attract are not about the way she feels about herself, but the way she looks. How could I have forgotten! Did he ask the males the same, by the way, gay or straight? And the lesbians? Or the bisexuals? NO, HE DID NOT! This question was, for some reason, only relevant for straight women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question 8:
Whenever I am looking to hook up, I…
a. wear a short skirt
b. show off the girls
c. don’t wear underwear
d. all of the above

Well, I responded b, in lack of e: the right kind of smile is all it takes, baby. Actually, walking towards a man and giving him your hand while saying "come here" is all it takes.

Question 9:
Which reality star would you most like to fuck?
a. Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus eight
b. That dude Sebastian from NYC Prep (as soon as he is of age, of course)
c. 12 Pack from Daisy of Love and I Love New York
d. One of the rich husbands in one of those Real Housewife nightmares

Who the fuck are these fellows? Ok. Answer is not a, because him, I know who is. Not a chance in hell. It’s not b, because a boy can never be more than half a man, and it’s not d, because I gather a husband with a housewife nightmare is not exactly a dream himself. So it must be c, I do not have the slightest idea who 12 Pack is, but I do love New York, and with that kind of nick, chances are he’s got to be black, or at least have a six-pack, right?

Question 10:
My tried-and-true-place to get lucky is…
a. a dive bar
b. a hotel bar
c. Chelsea Piers
d. Craigslist

Again, the lack of imagination! Enough said.

Question 11:
What’s your ultimate sex fantasy?
Finally a good question, and what makes it best is that I do not have to follow ANY suggestions from the Buffalo. So the answer is short and easy:
Two men (or more) and me.

Question 12:
Tell us (in lurid detail!) about your most shameful or embarrassing sexual encounter:

The “lurid” is Buffy’s, of course. Because, like I responded, I do not think of sex as shameful or embarrassing. But the closest I do get to embarrassing, was that one time a girlfriend of mine introduced her new boyfriend, and I was sure I had seen him someplace before. He denied knowing me. I asked him if he may know my brother, one of my exes or so on. I didn’t remember until she left the room and he hissed to me to drop the subject. Turned out I had slept with him. Whoops.

Question 13:
Where’s your favorite place (public or private) to get frisky?

The good old bed holds the most opportunities. But everywhere goes.

Question 14:
What’s the sexiest person, place or thing in New York?

THING???? Ok, let that one go. My response was that the entire city is sexy, but that certain Harlem jazz clubs are places I never leave alone.

Question 15:
What else should we know about your sex life in New York?

My response: Volumes. But a lady got to keep some of her secrets.

What should have been my response: Who, but a 14 year old virgin, is supposed to take this question, or 12 of the others in this poll, half seriously????? Jamie Bufalino, you wouldn’t know a woman’s sexuality if it bit you in the ass. And if you’re half as ignorant to women in real life as in your column, I bet not many of them do bite your ass.

Two weeks, too weak

I want him. I’ve told him. And he says he wants it too. But he still “can’t make it”, his new job demands too much of him, he has to prioritize, he is tired, and I know, I know, he is right, it’s a good job, he’s new to the field, and he’s exhausted, but my body still screams for him, I need his cock and I want his cock, and it makes me feel like the world’s most irrational woman. If he REALLY WANTS TO, HE’LL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT, something inside of me screams. Well, I guess my pussy is who screams. My pussy has never been very rational.

Thing is, we’ve had great sex every time we have had it. Three hours minimum, every single time. (I have told him that much time is not necessary. He has told me it is.) We’ve been through most of the Kama Sutra. His stamina is great and he is strong enough to lift me for quite some while. He is able to hold back for real long. And his cock, oh, his cock, it is thick and stout and strong. He tastes like the sea, and he smells like the wind. And I like him. This far, it’s been really interesting, and he cracked me up when he told me he has never been “that much into” fucking. I could have sworn he loves it. He does now, he assures me. (“It’s gotten a lot more interesting these last few weeks”. “I didn’t know there were condoms made in this size”. “Most women can’t take it, and I have found it uncomfortable. With you… It’s different. I’ve never been with a woman this flexible.”.)

We talk together great, too. I like him. I see potential in what we may have together. He knows both my cultures, having lived and studied and worked in NYC for parts of his life. His education matches mine and he is able to follow the way I think. His new job will allow him to roam between continents, more or less the way I do. We have these long, intense conversations, and the shortest date we’ve had to date lasted for sixteen hours. It’s all been very, very interesting.
And still. Still. Still! I’ve been away for two weeks, we had a date today, and he canceled! He can’t make it until Thursday. I am wondering if he finds this that very interesting after all. If he can manage without, or if he’s found other interests while I’ve been away. He is allowed to, we’re not in a relationship. In theory, I am free to roam, too. We have not yet given any promises. But still, I have been sleeping with him (almost) exclusively for (almost) a month. I am trying to give him a fair chance, I am trying to give us a fair chance, and this far, I feel it has been working. But now, when I have been out of town for two weeks, outside of fucking distance, I have been working very hard on being a good girl resisting all temptations. And I have managed to. I’ve been such a good girl, my pussy is now aching and screaming and complaining. It’s suffocating. Depressing. I want it, and I need it, and he is unwilling to give it to me.

And now, just an hour ago, I got a text from one of my other men. The only other I have fucked this month, shortly after the first date with the former. He is a man I have known for quite some while, have fucked for quite some while, and will never be involved with. He is a nice fuck. Not quite tantric Viking potential, definitely not X potential, but close to the former. It’s all physical, sports, pleasure, fulfilling a physical need. Totally uncomplicated. He wants to know if I am free tonight. I am. My pussy is very open for the idea. But I should not, not, not, not respond to him. I’ll ruin everything I have or can have with the promising prospect, if I do. I can't tell Tantric Viking I am seeing others. And I can't lie and say I don't.

Thursday. I have to be able to wait until Thursday.