I enter 2010...

...in a somewhat sentimental mood. Wondering whether the choices made in 2009 were the right ones, after all. A couple of days ago I was sure, they are. Today the old feelings are welling up, and I hope it’s just a stroke of New Year’s.

I can’t change it, anyway. It is too late for that now. I lead the life I chose, and it’s a good one. I’ve got the freedom I wanted, I travel, and I am pursuing my career. There’s no lack of sex, good sex, great sex. But emotionally, there’s nothing as engaging as the one I left behind. He misses me too, he says. He called me only last night to tell me, and I know it’s true. His voice filled me with the rawness of it all. But really, it isn’t raw any longer. Seven months and some days have passed. He’s moved on to a new life on his own, and I have, too. Or rather, I have kept up my old one, with a few changes to it. Relationshipwise, what I have moved on to may be a blind end, just a rebound thing. Don’t feel like saying much about it, not that there’s too much to say. Which is, by the way, the reason I haven’t posted for a while: I feel I should give the man a fair chance without thinking it over too much. Go with the flow, go with the mood, see how it develops, give it a chance. You know. Whenever I am with him, I feel good. Whenever I am not, I do not miss him. Important it may not be. But I don’t feel like ending it anyway. Not now, not yet. Not while he makes me laugh, and smile, and come up with new ideas. Not while he still makes my skin yearn for his, and have me yell for more of that stout beauty of a cock that is his. (It is a beauty. Almost all cocks are, but this one is among my favorites: Thick, strong, symmetrical. When it rises, and it steadily does, it finds its way into every one of those little secret spots without any help at all.) That it may not be more to it than that, I am fine with, for now. I think he is too; he’s more passive than I am used to, in a man. But I promise myself, as the old year runs out, that I do not want to compare the two of them this year to come.

Here’s to happiness in 2010. I hope it will be a year of bliss.

I <3 New York

I miss my city. I think about it a lot more than I think about sex.

I guess that says something.

Polluted

Time Out New York put out their annual sex poll this year. I won't link to it, it's not at all female sexuality-friendly. But here’s how I responded, plus what I would have responded, had Dan Savage made the poll and included answers for those of us who actually like sex. He may be gay, but he understands a woman way better than his competition.

This is the poll for straight women:

How old are you?
33

What neighborhood do you live in (at this point Time Out’s sex columnist Jamie Bufalino finds it necessary to define what a neighborhood is, “Chelsea, Williamsburg etc”):
Lower East Side

Question 1:
I wish every guy I date could...
a. do cunnilingus right
b. fuck with both our orgasms in mind
c. pick up the telephone on occasion
d. live life without porn

My comment: Where’s answer e. fuck me eagerly as often as I want to be fucked? In lack of it, I responded a. But truly, I can’t remember the last guy who didn’t know the art. Actually, I don’t remember a man who can’t do a, b and c with his hands tied and his eyes blindfolded. As for d, I don’t understand what that’s got to do with me. His choice how he spends his spare time, right?

Question 2:
I wish I could learn how to…
a. deep-throat
b. achieve orgasm
c. be more vocal in bed
d. take it up the ass

Well. Again, the answer is e. Seriously, what 33 year old New York woman does not know this stuff? (In lack of this alternative, I responded d. Because that is the least easy of four easy feats.)

Question 3:
The last thing I would ever do is…
a. swallow
b. give a one-night stand a rim job
c. fuck without protection
d. allow another woman in bed with a man

My comment: I’ve done all this stuff. But I did respond c., because that is what I usually do not do. One man only has gotten the honor. Yes, baby, I can hear your “damn” all the way to here, all the way from the West Coast. Don’t do b. very often either, though.

Question 4:
The genre of guys I find the hottest are:
a. hipsters
b. nerds
c. cocky banking types
d. artsy dudes

What??? Where are the athletes??? I want my gym addicts!!!! In lack of them, I responded “artsy guys”. Because well-built jazz musicians are kind of dude-y and kind of artsy, and I’ve been there... “Cocky” isn’t that dumb a word either, but what’s that got to do with finance, these days??? And why put “hipsters” and “nerds” into each their category, as they look the exact same??? Seriously. If this is a man's world, at least give me one that looks a man.

Question 5:
My main deal breaker is…
a. bad breath
b. a shithole of an apartment
c. a pencil dick
d. a guy who’s selfish in bed

Well, finally something one could respond to by using one of the responses suggested. The answer is c. But what on earth has a shitty apartment got to do with a SEX POLL?

Question 6:
I would have sex with another woman if…
a. my man asked me to
b. I was drunk enough
c. I found her irresistibly hot
d. she asked me (I’m easy!)

My comment: For the record, the “I’m easy” parenthesis belongs to Jamie the Buffalo, not to me. Here, the answer is a. rewritten: I had sex with another woman because my man asked me to. But I’d like to expand that: I had to know he was potent enough to take care of both women’s pleasure, and I had to know she really wanted to and knew what to do. What would it take for me to do it again? The answer is e. having at least one man there with us, knowing he was equally competent. And he should be so desirable I’d know in advance my juices would suffice for both of them.

Question 7:
As far as plastic surgery goes, I would be most interested in…
a. enlarging my tits
b. reducing my tits
c. liposuction
d. butt implants

The answer is e. None of the above, for Jesus F-ing Christ’s sake! My body looks great and there’s nothing wrong with my tits and my ass is nicely shaped as it is, and who the fuck needs liposuction when there is yoga???? And yet again, what the hell has this got to do with a sex poll? Oh, yeah, I know, shouldn’t have forgotten that for a second. Buffy the eternal buzz killer thinks the sexuality of a woman is all about being the object for a man’s eye, not the subject of her own desires. And of course, her abilities to attract are not about the way she feels about herself, but the way she looks. How could I have forgotten! Did he ask the males the same, by the way, gay or straight? And the lesbians? Or the bisexuals? NO, HE DID NOT! This question was, for some reason, only relevant for straight women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question 8:
Whenever I am looking to hook up, I…
a. wear a short skirt
b. show off the girls
c. don’t wear underwear
d. all of the above

Well, I responded b, in lack of e: the right kind of smile is all it takes, baby. Actually, walking towards a man and giving him your hand while saying "come here" is all it takes.

Question 9:
Which reality star would you most like to fuck?
a. Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus eight
b. That dude Sebastian from NYC Prep (as soon as he is of age, of course)
c. 12 Pack from Daisy of Love and I Love New York
d. One of the rich husbands in one of those Real Housewife nightmares

Who the fuck are these fellows? Ok. Answer is not a, because him, I know who is. Not a chance in hell. It’s not b, because a boy can never be more than half a man, and it’s not d, because I gather a husband with a housewife nightmare is not exactly a dream himself. So it must be c, I do not have the slightest idea who 12 Pack is, but I do love New York, and with that kind of nick, chances are he’s got to be black, or at least have a six-pack, right?

Question 10:
My tried-and-true-place to get lucky is…
a. a dive bar
b. a hotel bar
c. Chelsea Piers
d. Craigslist

Again, the lack of imagination! Enough said.

Question 11:
What’s your ultimate sex fantasy?
Finally a good question, and what makes it best is that I do not have to follow ANY suggestions from the Buffalo. So the answer is short and easy:
Two men (or more) and me.

Question 12:
Tell us (in lurid detail!) about your most shameful or embarrassing sexual encounter:

The “lurid” is Buffy’s, of course. Because, like I responded, I do not think of sex as shameful or embarrassing. But the closest I do get to embarrassing, was that one time a girlfriend of mine introduced her new boyfriend, and I was sure I had seen him someplace before. He denied knowing me. I asked him if he may know my brother, one of my exes or so on. I didn’t remember until she left the room and he hissed to me to drop the subject. Turned out I had slept with him. Whoops.

Question 13:
Where’s your favorite place (public or private) to get frisky?

The good old bed holds the most opportunities. But everywhere goes.

Question 14:
What’s the sexiest person, place or thing in New York?

THING???? Ok, let that one go. My response was that the entire city is sexy, but that certain Harlem jazz clubs are places I never leave alone.

Question 15:
What else should we know about your sex life in New York?

My response: Volumes. But a lady got to keep some of her secrets.

What should have been my response: Who, but a 14 year old virgin, is supposed to take this question, or 12 of the others in this poll, half seriously????? Jamie Bufalino, you wouldn’t know a woman’s sexuality if it bit you in the ass. And if you’re half as ignorant to women in real life as in your column, I bet not many of them do bite your ass.

Two weeks, too weak

I want him. I’ve told him. And he says he wants it too. But he still “can’t make it”, his new job demands too much of him, he has to prioritize, he is tired, and I know, I know, he is right, it’s a good job, he’s new to the field, and he’s exhausted, but my body still screams for him, I need his cock and I want his cock, and it makes me feel like the world’s most irrational woman. If he REALLY WANTS TO, HE’LL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT, something inside of me screams. Well, I guess my pussy is who screams. My pussy has never been very rational.

Thing is, we’ve had great sex every time we have had it. Three hours minimum, every single time. (I have told him that much time is not necessary. He has told me it is.) We’ve been through most of the Kama Sutra. His stamina is great and he is strong enough to lift me for quite some while. He is able to hold back for real long. And his cock, oh, his cock, it is thick and stout and strong. He tastes like the sea, and he smells like the wind. And I like him. This far, it’s been really interesting, and he cracked me up when he told me he has never been “that much into” fucking. I could have sworn he loves it. He does now, he assures me. (“It’s gotten a lot more interesting these last few weeks”. “I didn’t know there were condoms made in this size”. “Most women can’t take it, and I have found it uncomfortable. With you… It’s different. I’ve never been with a woman this flexible.”.)

We talk together great, too. I like him. I see potential in what we may have together. He knows both my cultures, having lived and studied and worked in NYC for parts of his life. His education matches mine and he is able to follow the way I think. His new job will allow him to roam between continents, more or less the way I do. We have these long, intense conversations, and the shortest date we’ve had to date lasted for sixteen hours. It’s all been very, very interesting.
And still. Still. Still! I’ve been away for two weeks, we had a date today, and he canceled! He can’t make it until Thursday. I am wondering if he finds this that very interesting after all. If he can manage without, or if he’s found other interests while I’ve been away. He is allowed to, we’re not in a relationship. In theory, I am free to roam, too. We have not yet given any promises. But still, I have been sleeping with him (almost) exclusively for (almost) a month. I am trying to give him a fair chance, I am trying to give us a fair chance, and this far, I feel it has been working. But now, when I have been out of town for two weeks, outside of fucking distance, I have been working very hard on being a good girl resisting all temptations. And I have managed to. I’ve been such a good girl, my pussy is now aching and screaming and complaining. It’s suffocating. Depressing. I want it, and I need it, and he is unwilling to give it to me.

And now, just an hour ago, I got a text from one of my other men. The only other I have fucked this month, shortly after the first date with the former. He is a man I have known for quite some while, have fucked for quite some while, and will never be involved with. He is a nice fuck. Not quite tantric Viking potential, definitely not X potential, but close to the former. It’s all physical, sports, pleasure, fulfilling a physical need. Totally uncomplicated. He wants to know if I am free tonight. I am. My pussy is very open for the idea. But I should not, not, not, not respond to him. I’ll ruin everything I have or can have with the promising prospect, if I do. I can't tell Tantric Viking I am seeing others. And I can't lie and say I don't.

Thursday. I have to be able to wait until Thursday.

25 things about Lady in Red

Inspired by Hedgie the Hedonist, who recently did this on his blog (http://646hedonist.blogspot.com/2009/07/25-things-about-646hedonist.html), I am now doing a “25 things” about myself I will NOT put on Facebook.

1.) First lover I ever had was an Italian. It happened on a beach in Bournemouth, UK, the summer before my 16th birthday. We were wrapped in a blanket, it happened at night, and we did it as silently as we could, because our friends had a barbecue some 200 yards away.

2.) I don’t remember that specific Italian’s name. It could have been Mario, one of my two Robertos, Zach (real name Sachario?) or something along the line of Enrico/Erico/Sergio. I think Mario was first, but I can’t say for sure.

3.) Italy is NOT the country from which I have had the most lovers. At least three others, possibly four or five, get into the list ahead of it.

4.) I have had cocks off every continent. Provided you can count New Zealand as Australia.

5.) First orgasm I ever had I don’t remember, but I was a kid, and I discovered how on my own.

6.) Vaginally, I have never needed lube in my life.

7.) Lack of lube is my main reason to turn down anal advances, though. I tend to forget buying it and if a man wants to use the backdoor, he should go shopping in advance.

8.) I am usually not the silent kind, but I always try to keep the volume down. And then I forget. Fucking me with the window open is a bad idea, unless you want your neighbors to know exactly what you’re at.

9.) I like having sex in semi-public places where I know we can be discovered.

10.) I don’t mind an uncut man, but I prefer a man to be cut. Vaginally I don’t feel the difference, but when I give a BJ, I have a larger repertoire if I do it with a representative of the cut variety. It usually also tastes better.

11.) I love giving BJs. I love the taste, the texture and look of it. Watching a man get off and feeling his gratitude wash over me (literally…) makes me feel goddess-y. But I want at least one orgasm of my own before I start it. I give head a lot more impatient and finish a lot faster if I haven't.

12.) I never come just once, and I can have at least six different types of orgasms.

13.) Those six are as follows: Outside only. G spot only. G spot plus those little spots longer in combined. Outside and inside combined. Squirting. And, most interesting, all-body-earthquake like, where my spasms take over my body, his body, the bed and/or every other piece of furniture in the room.

14.) Whenever watching SATC, I identify the most with Miranda the feminist workaholic.

15.) Biggest lover I ever had, had a cock the size of my underarm, fist included. Smallest was the size of my middle finger. They were both white and neither of them would get into a top-ten list of my favorite fucks. But they both eventually got me off by fucking.

16.) I have only NOT achieved an orgasm by fucking thrice in my life, and I know the exact reasons why it didn't happen at those three occasions.

17.) I fear pregnancy more than STDs.

18.) For 16 years, I was on the pill and I did fuck (some) men without a condom during that time. Only those I was monogamous with, only after both of us had tested. But I have only ever fucked ONE man without birth control in my entire life, and that I did from the very first time I met him.

19.) Yes, you all know who that man was. What you don't know is this: During our relationship, every time I got my period, I felt relief. Every time, he felt sorrow.

20.) In my early 20es, I was married. He was the kindest and most generous man I have ever met and he was such an amazing lover I thought this had to be true love and accepted. Despite of this, I knew it wouldn’t last, because we were way too different. I told him. He was too conservative to live with a woman outside of wedlock and wanted to marry me yet the same.

21.) I was a bad wife. I didn’t cheat. We had sex at least twice a day for our entire relationship. I did not treat him bad. In every manner possible, I tried to behave properly. I cooked, I baked, I cleaned, I hosted. I put his career come before my own. I also felt this was all a lie, and I ached for every other man I saw in the street.

22.) After we got divorced, I kept having sex with my husband for almost a year. That’s how good he was.

23.) I want to live alone until I find a man I feel I can grow with. Not necessarily “grow old” with, but grow as a person with. There are not that many of them, but I know they exist.

24.) I may fuck a woman again, but I won’t do it to unless there is a man with us, and I won't do it unless I know for sure that he has the stamina to satisfy both women. Pussy is simply not that interesting alone.

25.) I still have not had two men at a time. And I desperately desperately desperately want to.

Truth in numbers

I don’t think I have EVER been with a man who has not asked me how many men I’ve been with before him. I can’t remember one. Even the one night stands want to know, and though I have a couple of theories why, I don’t understand why this should be SO incredibly important they all HAVE TO ask it.

If the motive is to prevent jealousy or to reduce the “risk” I have had lovers better than the one sharing the bed with me at the second the question is asked, I can assure you: The answer will not lessen any anxieties.
If you want to enter a relationship with me, and fear I am going to stray, knowing my number will hardly calm your feelings.
If you have a need to judge and/or to feel morally superior, you should not and are not likely to share my bed to begin with.
If you want to feel like a stud and/or to brag you are experienced to an extreme degree, well, then again, there is a risk you’ll be disappointed.
If you’re simply curious, ok. But please say so, when I ask why you want to know. Don’t go all quiet. This particular silence is speaking volumes. More often than not, it’s the kind of silence that tells me I’ll meet another kind of silence after.

Men who can’t bear this one specific number tend not to dial my other specific number later on. I know it in advance. They, I suppose, know it in advance. But they still ask. Whereas to me, the following numbers matter way more than the one you all seem to think is so important:

The number of years since I was a virgin: Seventeen.
The number of other serious, monogamous relationships I have had: Seven, including one marriage.
The number of years my serious relationships have all in all lasted: Nine, or close to ten.
The number of years I have been a single, adult and sexually active woman: That leaves seven to eight, doesn’t it?

The frequency of which I want sex when in a relationship: At least ten times a week.
The frequency of which I want sex when I am not in a relationship: At least ten times a week.
The frequency of which my wishes are fulfilled: Well, lately, answer is “all the time”. But if I see my life as a whole and include the times when I have not been neither as fit nor as socially active as I am now, a more honest response will be “mostly, but from time to time, not”. Life doesn’t give you everything you want unasked for. Most of the time, you have to make some kind of effort.

The number of times I have cheated on a boyfriend: Zero. No effort.
The number of times I have lied to a boyfriend: Zero, or zero that I know of/can think of. I have no qualms in not volunteering things I do not feel like telling. But if you ask me a question, I don’t lie to you. If you don’t want an honest answer, ask another woman.

The total number of women I have had sex with: One.
The total number of men I have had sex with: Ok, there we go... I can only guess. I can give you an approximate. But I don’t write a diary. And I have long ago gotten beyond the point where I can even try to make some sort of list. I am no good at remembering names, dates or years. I am no good at remembering faces. Also, I think the following facts matter and should matter more than any grand total measured in numbers:

*I know how many men I have loved.
*I know how many men I have had long term relationships to.
*I know how long these relationships have lasted and I know how many years of my adult, sexually active life I have single.

The truth come to numbers, is that morals, opportunity, looks, gender, sexual competence and social skills have less to say than most people think.

What really decides your grand total is how lucky you’ve been in love. You found the love of your life at the first try, you were only ever with him or her, you have never felt a need to be with any other? Ok. Your number is one. You may lose out on something, but you're still a lucky bastard. Yet, there is no reason in the world you should feel morally superior to me or anyone else.

Most people need more attempts. Some of us need many. And to stop trying? If you ask me, being a coward was never brave, honest, responsible, kind nor heroic.

Hot, smart & homo

Rupert Everett is way smarter than anyone has ever given him credit for. Read this interview, and you'll understand what I mean:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jul/17/g2-interview-rupert-everett

After reading the interview, you may also agree with my claim that Everett indeed seems smarter than the journalist interviewing him, and to understand my following statement:

Some people are very concerned with the labels "homosexual", "heterosexual" and "bisexual". Most people are very clearly defined as one or the other or the third, and some people seem to think that these labels also define the rest of your personality. That they define what you can do as an actor. Or what kind of ideas you can understand. Or what kind of ways you relate or are able to relate to other people.

What the most-preoccupied-with-labels-type of people tend to forget are that there are so many things not defined by a label. Individual features always matter more than group identities. There are the people who are simply sexual. There are the people who are simply people. And then, of course, there are the people who do not know what they are, sexually or personally, and who prefer to use their identity labels as identities. It's easier. It's a great deal easier, because if you do, you don't have to define or to front a real personality. And to define and to front a real personality? Well. Even if you do, you will sometimes be seen as one of the group more than one of your own.